I enjoyed running but craved a little more action so I decided to train for a triathlon. I raced the Tucson Triathlon, it's a race that's surprising popular (Chris Lieto set the current course record and the Canadian National Team has been known to show up). I thought it was fun, finishing in 1:34:19 (825 yd swim/12 mi bike/3 mi run) but I didn't really catch the racing bug. I kept training and intended to race again...but I just never got around to registering for another race.
A few years later, when I got sick there was stretch of time when I wasn't sure if I'd ever feel better. At the time I had my first attack I had a pretty full life: work, go out with friends, date boys, obsess about everything I could. I say "full" because I was busy not because I was satisfied. In my head, I maintained a list of things to accomplish (change the world, cure cancer, normal overachiever things) my attitude was pretty lax...I figured I'd eventually get around to checking off these things.
And then, overnight, I thought I lost my opportunity to accomplish great things. It hit me one day, lying on my couch - feeling awful and unable to do anything other than watch t.v. - that being sick could be all I have in life. Instantly, I felt this deep ache in my chest. I felt grief. I grieved for all the things I intended to accomplish that would justify my life, to justify my reason for being on this Earth. I grieved for my life that slipped through my hands. Realizing I'd never race an Ironman or go to grad school hurt the most.
Eventually, being so sick, I lost my job. It was inevitable. And after enough time of being unemployed I called TriSports.com to see if they were hiring. I was not training, I was not registered for any races, I pretty much knew nothing about the sport and I was an absolute disaster. My hair was falling out due to the meds I was taking, I couldn't keep food down and I was still a frequent-flyer in the Emergency Room. And TriSports.com hired me the next day.
I have said it before and I'll say it again: TriSports.com gave me my first, second chance (second chance #2 came last December). The entire industry was so new and so exciting that I forgot about the shit-show that was my life. I had something other than myself to focus on. And then, I started training.
The TriSports.com employees often train together: Rides in the morning, runs at lunch, swims after work...so, one day I joined them and went for a little run. And then a swim. And a ride. It wasn't pretty at the beginning, at all. We're talking 10 min/miles with some good old fashioned heaving and cramping so awful I fought to stay up-right (a side effect of the meds) but, I did it.
Every aspect of my life was constructed around being sick. Everything I knew slipped away totally without my permission BUT, *I* decided to train. And, just the act of making that decision gave me a bit of control and my life back. I could define myself as something other than sick; once again - 8 years later - I started to call myself an athlete. I made friends in the community and then something totally unexpected happened: My coworkers and even some customers (the triathlon community is really small....and everyone knows everything) began to offer me amazing encouragement and acts of support. They told me I was tough and that they were proud of me. Slowly, I started to believe them and I added a third label: athlete, sick....and now, tough.
Things are different now. I have a list of everything I intend to accomplish written down on paper, taped in a place where I see it every day. I know exactly what I need to do to achieve my goals - grad school and Ironman included. I'm on track to getting these (and other) things done. I will never 'get around' to doing anything ever again. I just f-ing do it.
I train and race because while I'm swimming, biking and running...I feel alive. When I am pushing myself beyond my limits I am in control of my life and filled with the most beautiful feeling of pain and the knowledge that I AM ALIVE. At TriSports.com a co-worker and I once asked several of our customers: "Why do you do triathlon?" 9 of 10 said the exact same thing: Because I can eat whatever I want. I think about this at every race when I'm standing at the water's edge, starting to get intimidated and I remember: my reason for being here kicks your reason's ass.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken Him completely by surprise" ~ PZ Pearce
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